Dirty Desires Read online

  Really, I tried hard not to dwell on her many attributes.

  Her smile was bright as she said, “I just thought you might like to try some of my coffee is all.”

  Picking it up, I took a sip and found my taste buds dancing with delight. “This is great, Nina. I’d heard tell that you were once a barista—and one hell of a great one at that. But I was certain it had to be a myth. In two years of working together, I have never seen a cup of the mystical brew.”

  She laughed and leaned back in the chair, making herself comfortable. “And now that you have, what do you think?”

  “I think I’m already addicted.” I took another sip and knew I wasn’t lying about the addiction; the coffee was fabulous. “I hope this isn’t a tease, girl.”

  “Nah, I think I can bring you a mug each day.” She leaned forward to whisper, “But you can’t tell a soul. I don’t want to end up making pot after pot each day for everyone else. This is a special thing, and I only do it for special people.”

  I’m special to her?

  I knew I was kind of special to her, but not coffee-special. “Lucky me.” I took another sip then sighed. “It really is wonderful. Thank you.”

  “I was thinking a while ago that I don’t know that much about you.” She looked over her shoulder at the open door. “Mind if I close that, Ashton?”

  I had no idea what she was on about, so I nodded. “You can close it.”

  She got up, closed the door, then came back to sit down. “We’ve worked together for a pretty long time, and yet I hardly know one personal thing about you. Like your family. Where are they?”

  “My parents moved from New Jersey, where my older sister and I grew up, to Georgia.” I leaned back, resting my head on my clasped hands. “Mom inherited her grandparent’s small farm there. My parents sold their home and moved a few years ago. My sister, Annabelle, is married with two kids. They live in Hawaii. Her husband is the manager of a hotel there. We get together once a year at the farm on my parents’ wedding anniversary. Other than that, we only talk on the phone, as everyone has their lives to lead.”

  “You live alone in your Manhattan apartment, don’t you?” she asked, then her lips formed a straight line, and one small crease moved across her brow. It gave me the impression that she was concerned about my living arrangement for some reason.

  “I do live alone. And if you know someone who is in need of a place to live, I’m not really interested. I like my life just the way it is, and I’m not into having a roommate. I like the solitude of living alone.” I leaned forward to rest my elbows on the desk as I looked at her.

  She shook her head. “I don’t know anyone who needs a place to live. I was just asking. You see, I’m curious, Ashton. I know you were engaged once, and I know what happened. Did she live with you in that apartment and you just don’t want anyone else to intrude on her memory?”

  My heart stopped beating. I’d told only my closest friends, Artimus and Duke about that. I should’ve expected that they would tell their wives about the accident and that the wives, being Nina’s best friends, would tell her. But why she was bringing it up now, I didn’t understand.

  Shoving my hands through my hair, I pulled it back as I thought about what to say. Finally, something came to me, “No, she and I didn’t live in that apartment together. I had to move out of the place she and I shared. I couldn’t stand to be there without her.”

  “Before her, did you have roommates? Or did you live at home with your parents?” She gave me a stoic stare, as if she were analyzing me.

  I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not, but my mouth kept talking anyway, “I lived in the dorm at Columbia before moving in with her.”

  “So, you’d always lived with other people until she passed away, and since then you’ve lived alone.” She shook her head. “How can you stand that? I mean, I’ve lived with other people my whole life. I can’t imagine living all alone.”

  I wasn’t about to tell her that I would rather live alone than have anyone know that I still had nightmares about the accident that took my fiancée’s life. About once a week I would wake up screaming. No one needed to hear that.

  With a shrug, I said, “I like it that way, Nina.”

  A smile curved her plump pink lips. “How’d you meet her, Ashton? How did you meet this woman that you asked to spend the rest of your life with?”

  No one had asked me that since before she died. I gazed into Nina’s eyes as I told her about that time in my life. “A few friends of mine and I were on spring break in Florida. Her family owned the hotel we were staying at in Miami. Her parents had brought her from India only a few months earlier, and they all worked for her uncle there. She worked in housekeeping, and we ran out of towels. I was looking for more and was sent to the laundry room by the man at the front desk to get some there.”

  “Was it love at first sight?” Nina asked with wide eyes.

  I laughed. “Yeah, it was.” I could see her face in my mind. “She was sweaty and aggravated when I came into the laundry room and asked if I could have four towels. She didn’t even turn around as she shouted at me that I would have to wait, they were still drying. Then she turned around and saw me. She and I just looked at each other for a long time in silence, and then she apologized.”

  Nina sighed then said, “So that’s what love at first sight is. Interesting. How long did it take before you two became a couple?”

  “No time at all. I ended up hanging out with her all of spring break. She wanted to go to college, so when I got back to New York, I got a job and a small apartment and then she came to live with me. We lived together for six months before I asked her to marry me. She wanted a big wedding. Her family was happy with that and was going to pay for all of it, as it was their tradition as Hindus. The date was set for a year from the day I proposed.”

  Nina looked a little sad as she asked, “What was her name, Ashton?”

  No one had asked me that since her death. I hesitated to even say it for fear I might break down, but then I let it slip from my tongue, “Natalia Reddy. She was beautiful and fun-loving. A real free spirit. I loved her more than I had ever loved anyone in my life.”

  “And then you were hurt more than you’d ever been in your life too,” Nina said, her words hushed, as if she was thinking about that fact. “Do you have a picture of her?”

  I pulled out my wallet and took out the only thing I had left to remember Natalia by. “This was taken only a few days before the wreck.” I pushed it to Nina.

  She picked it up and looked at it. “She’s beautiful, Ashton. I’m so sorry that it all ended the way it did.”

  “We were only a few weeks away from the wedding date when it happened.” My gut clenched as I recalled it. “It began to rain, and the day had been hot. The police said that the oil had pooled on the pavement and then mixed with the rain, and that’s what made me lose control of the car. Everyone said it wasn’t my fault, including her family. But I blamed myself. I still do.”

  “But you shouldn’t.” She slid the picture back to me. “I’m sure Natalia would hate for you to blame yourself for an accident. She did love you, after all, Ashton.”

  Looking at Nina, I saw her in a new light. There had always been an attraction between us, but I wasn’t ready to go down that road again. Somehow though, the way she was talking to me made me feel closer to her than I had been to anyone since Natalia.

  Tapping the top of my desk, Nina got up. “Well, we’ve got work to get to. Did you really enjoy the coffee?”

  “I really did. And the conversation, Nina. I haven’t talked about her with anyone in such a long time,” I found myself admitting to her. “I feel a little freer, having spoken to you.”

  “Good. Feel free to talk to me about her—or anything else—anytime you want to. I think I’ll be stopping by with some fresh coffee for you from now on.” She waved as she opened the door to leave. “Bye. Will I see you at lunch?”

  “You will. I’m thinking cheese
steaks.” I put Natalia’s picture back in my wallet.

  “Yum. Sounds good.” She left my office, and I was left staring after her.

  What just happened here?

  Chapter Three

  Nina

  A week of stopping by Ashton’s office with a cup of my magical coffee and I thought things were going well. We didn’t have any more talks about the fiancée he’d lost, but we did have small little chats about subjects we’d never discussed before.

  Things like which season of the year we each liked the best. It turned out that we were both lovers of the fall. I liked the cool weather, finding it a relief from the heat of summer. Ashton liked it better because of all of the colors of leaves.

  It was spring then, nowhere near the fall, but I found myself suggesting that he take a driving trip once the colors began to change. He only shook his head, then let me know that he didn’t like to take scenic drives anymore. I left it at that.

  He had told me that the weather was hot the day of his accident. I knew it wasn’t in the fall, so that did give me hope that one day he and I might be able to take a drive some fall afternoon in the future. I could always be the driver if he wasn’t up to it.

  Ashton needed to get back to living a full life. It was becoming more and more apparent that it only looked like he was living a normal life from the outside. He seemed fun and social at work, but having these more in-depth talks made me realize that wasn’t the full picture. It was when he wasn’t at work that worried me.

  What does he do when he leaves the station?

  That was on my mind a lot. I pictured him smiling as he did most nights as we all left to head home after a long day at work. We all went our separate ways, catching cabs, or walking to the subway station, or getting on buses. We all had places to go, and most of us had other people there when we got home. Ashton didn’t, and that made my heart hurt for the man.

  I had talked to my roommate Kyle about why a man would want to live alone. Kyle was about Ashton’s age, around thirty. He’d been married and had a son that he got every other weekend, so I knew he would empathize with what Ashton was going through.

  I was only 23 and had never lost anyone I had loved, not that I had ever really been in love. Tommy Smith in high school couldn’t be called real love. That was teenage lust, at best. And I’d never gone out with any guy in college more than a time or two. What Ashton was going through was completely foreign to me.

  Kyle had told me that Ashton probably just didn’t like to be around people very much and that he liked the break from everyone when he went home. He said quite a few people who were outgoing, fun-loving, and really social could also be introverts, needing downtime to replenish themselves.

  I didn’t think Ashton needed downtime, though. I thought there had to be something else. But I couldn’t put my finger on it, other than that he really didn’t want to be hurt by losing another person he loved.

  But I had hope that little by little, I was beginning to get under his skin, bringing me a little closer to his heart. That’s the place I wanted to get into. I wanted to set up camp and live there with the man who took up space in my thoughts more often than not.

  As bad as I wanted things to progress between us, I played my hand nice and slow. Something told me that Ashton Lange could not be rushed into anything. He was very nice on the outside, but I had a feeling that if you tried to dig too deeply that he could turn into a fierce animal, protecting his vulnerable underbelly. The thought made me sad at times.

  One would never suspect the strong, virile man of housing such sadness, guilt, and pain. Not that he ever really showed me that side of him, either. No matter how he tried to hide it, I could see it at times. Now that we were talking more about things that were more personal than what we wanted to eat or what was going on at work, I could see things in his eyes.

  Those gorgeous cerulean eyes of his could hold joy and laughter in them, and most would only see that. I was getting to where I could see behind that now. And what I saw frightened me. I saw sheer will and determination to keep everyone at arm’s length. As if he thought that if he trusted someone enough to get close, then something terrible might happen.

  Again.

  It would take a lot of time for me to get where I wanted to be with the man. But I was willing to put it in. There was so much about Ashton that was good and right that it would be well worth my time to get him to see that love wasn’t something to be afraid of.

  I sat at my desk on a Friday afternoon, looking out the little window in my small office. I had a desk, a laptop computer, and a chair to sit in. No other furniture was necessary for me to do my job.

  Not one to have too many things around to clutter up my space, I liked the clean look of my office. The cleaning staff would be in later to dust and vacuum, so I closed my computer and put it in the top drawer of my desk before locking it up. Done with the social media part of my job, I didn’t need the computer again until Monday morning.

  I had no plans for the weekend—nothing unusual there. My other roommate, Sandy, was a party animal who was always inviting me out. I’d go with her every now and then, but usually ended up regretting it. She called me a stick in the mud on all those occasions. Not that I cared.

  Sandy didn’t believe in making commitments. That meant she had no problem seeing whomever she wanted, whenever she wanted. I didn’t judge her for her choices, but that life wasn’t for me.

  Turning around in my chair, I found Julia leaning on my doorframe. “What’s up?”

  She looked me up and down. “You look bored, Nina.”

  “I’m fine.” I didn’t like anyone feeling sorry for me. If I told Julia that I was thinking about the lame weekend I had before me, then she would make it her mission to find something for me to do.

  “Oh, really?” She rolled her eyes. “Well, I’ve got a question to ask you. Do you have time in your busy schedule to answer it for me?”

  With a laugh, I answered, “Sure, I can make time for your question. Shoot.”

  “What are your plans for this weekend?” She looked at her nails, then polished them on her shirt.

  I thought that was an odd question coming from her. She and Artimus always made plans for their weekends. So why would she be asking me about mine? “Not much. Why?”

  Her dark brown eyes lit up. “Good. So, you’re free?”

  “Maybe.” I wasn’t about to let her think I would do anything she wanted. Mostly because I had no idea if I would like it or not. “What do you have going on?”

  “A little fun for my friends and me.” She winked at me. “How about you come out to our home in the Hamptons for the weekend? We can get the limo to drive us there and it’ll be so much fun. Please say yes, Nina.”

  I wasn’t about to commit just yet. “Who is we?” I arched one brow as I saw her smile get even bigger.

  “We, us, the normal group we hang in. Artimus, of course. Duke and Lila too. You know, our little pack.” She put her hand on her hip. “So, are you in? We’re leaving work early, and I’ve already got you covered.”

  “You do?” I was astonished that she would do something like that without consulting me first. “While I’m glad to have the night off as well as the weekend, I’m going to have to say no. I don’t want to be the fifth wheel in your double date.”

  Her dark eyebrows wiggled as she smiled at me with a grin I’d never seen on her before. “Oh, we’re not a foursome. You won’t be the fifth wheel.”

  I looked at her with even more suspicion. “I don’t get it.”

  “I can see that.” She giggled and clapped. “This is so much fun. I had no idea how fun it would be.”

  “Julia!” I got out of my chair to walk over to her. “You’re not making any sense. Can you get to the point already?”

  “Ashton is coming too.” She threw her hands up in the air as if she’d done a magic trick. “There it is, Nina. Ashton is coming with us.”

  “Why?” I asked her, and then added
as a thought came to me, “Does he know you invited me too?”

  She nodded. “Yes, he does. You see, Artimus invited him without telling me anything about it. I had no idea he even wanted to have people over this weekend. He sprang this on me just a little while ago.”

  I had this terrible idea that she was trying to play matchmaker and that Ashton had no idea what she was up to. “No way, Julia. I will not put myself in that kind of a position. How embarrassing would it be if Ashton didn’t know I was coming and didn’t even want me there?”

  “Pretty damn embarrassing, I bet,” Julia nodded in agreement. “Thank goodness you don’t have to worry about that.”

  “And why wouldn’t I need to worry about that?” I looked at her hand as she rested it on my shoulder and then used her other hand to pull my face so that I was looking her right in the eyes. “Ashton told Artimus that he would only go if I invited you too.”

  It took a few seconds for that to register in my brain.

  “Huh?” came my dumb reply.

  “He wants you there, Nina.” Julia gave my shoulder a squeeze. “If you don’t go, he won’t go. Those were his exact words to my husband. So, are you in or are you out? I need to let Artimus know what to tell his friend.”

  Ashton wants me to spend the weekend with him?

  “Why didn’t he ask me this himself?” I asked her.

  She rolled her eyes. “Duh. Because he’s Ashton Lange. A man who doesn’t date. Or hasn’t dated for a long time, anyway. If he had platonic intentions, he probably would’ve talked to you himself, don’t you think?” She lifted her eyebrow at me, as if in challenge, before continuing on in a rush, “Don’t answer that though. Don’t overthink things—and don’t ask so many questions. Just give me the answer I know you want to give me. Say yes so we can get this party going.”

  “So we’d all head out to your home in a limo together?” I asked.